


To Breathe Again

by Magicath_420



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, Happy Ending, Jace is a good friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2020-01-05 01:34:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18355886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magicath_420/pseuds/Magicath_420
Summary: Coming out is hard, even under the best of circumstances. Sometimes you need to lean on the people who care about you the most.





	To Breathe Again

It was the first warm night of the year. Alec sat on the small ledge beneath his bedroom window, letting his legs dangle over the street several stories below. He sighed. Muffled pop music blared out from the building across the street and a pack of older teenagers shouted with mock anger as they chased each other on the sidewalk below. Watching them sent a red-hot bolt of loneliness and envy through Alec. He figured that he’d have made some friends (or made peace with not making friends) by 14, but all he’d managed to make so far was the habit of hiding from Izzy out here underneath his window. 

In his defense, it was hard to make friends when being around the other Shadowhunters made the secret he kept inside his chest grow so heavy that he couldn’t breathe from the weight of it. The emotional barrier he’d erected between him and his peers may keep him safe, but it also made him feel like he was drowning in his own mind anytime he was around them, even when they were just trying to be nice. It didn’t hurt so badly when he was alone. Maybe that’s why it was the Friday before Easter Break and the only plans he had were avoiding his little sister. Izzy had taken, lately, to relentlessly pursuing him and Jace to force them to watch Glee with her, and apparently she enjoyed mocking it more than she enjoyed, well, enjoying it (and as she constantly reminded them, she couldn’t make fun of it alone). 

Alec almost wished that their lessons and training didn’t follow the same schedule as public schools, with all of their unnecessarily long vacations, just so he would have something to do. Something to channel his anxiety into. Something to remind the constant assault inside his chest that he did belong here. That he was a real Shadowhunter. That he wasn’t the worst things they said about people like him. 

Sitting out here and watching the city was the closest thing he had to a hobby. The glamor on the Institute made him invisible to the mundanes on the street below, but even if they could see him, they wouldn’t have paid him much mind. That was what Alec liked about observing the city like this: Everyone was so wrapped up in their own lives that they barely saw each other as they passed in the street, too busy or too focused on themselves to worry about what the strangers around them were doing. And that was the key to peaceful coexistence in the most diverse place on the planet: not the absence of prejudice, but the lack of priority it took in people’s daily lives. He saw it in every person that walked past, and it made him feel a little bit safer each time.

As Alec watched a group of middle school kids run by, flanked by a hassled-looking parent, he heard footsteps in his room above. He froze, hoping Izzy wouldn’t think to look out the window when she couldn’t find him. 

“Alec?”, a voice called. Not Izzy. Jace.

“Out here.” 

Jace, somehow, never made him feel trapped or suffocated. Which was ironic, considering Alec was never more aware of the hidden side of himself than when Jace was near.

“What are you doing?” Jace asked from the window.

“Hiding from Izzy. And... everyone else.” 

Alec hadn’t realized how true it was until he said it. Hiding from everyone. It sounded stupid when put like that.

“Is it working?” Jace asked.

“Evidently not.” Alec shot back with a smirk. He didn’t actually want Jace to leave, but sarcasm came easy to Alec, and Jace has learned to ignore it anyway.

“Then I guess you need a better answer. Scoot over.”

Jace hopped down onto the ledge next to Alec and leaned back against the brick, sitting with one leg folded beneath him and one hanging over the edge. They watched together as the city moved by beneath them. Alec felt warmer already.

“Where’ve you been lately?” Jace asked softly after a few minutes.

“What do you mean?”

Alec knew what he meant.

“You know what I mean.”

Alec sighed. The truth was that he had been sneaking off as often as possible over the past few weeks. The deadline was coming up to complete their parabatai training, and Alec felt like he was quickly approaching the edge of a cliff. He couldn’t let Jace enter a commitment like this with him when Jace didn’t have all the information. The last time the Clave had discovered two parabatai were in a relationship, they’d both been deruned. Not that Jace would ever... no, that was a stupid thought. Stupid, stupid, (tragically) stupid. But even though they weren’t together, Jace was bound to face backlash if (when?) anyone ever found out that Alec was... well... Alec. Serious, career-ending, reputation-ruining backlash. The right thing for Alec to do was to bail now. He could tell Jace he’d changed his mind, wait a few years, then make the bond with Izzy when she was old enough. It was a perfect escape plan. Foolproof, even.

But Alec didn’t want to bail. He knew he should, and he hated that he couldn’t, but there was simply no way he could ever look Jace in the eye and lie like that. They’d been planning this since they were 12; to back out now would be nothing short of betrayal. 

So Alec did the next best thing: he avoided Jace, and everyone else, as much as possible. He ate his meals at off hours so he would be alone. He went to bed early, even if it was just to stare at the ceiling for hours before he actually fell asleep. He’d even taken to volunteering for rookie foot patrols just to get out of the Institute. But he’d always known that he couldn’t avoid this forever.

“Alec?”

Jace was facing him, both knees pulled up to his chest now, eyes searching and unguarded.

“I’ve been... busy.” 

Jace just looked at him, waiting for an explanation. A real explanation. Not judging. Not joking. Just waiting.

Alec searched for a lie, but he couldn’t find one. His mind was all fogged up by the way Jace’s hair was gently blowing around his face in the breeze. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Alec was so fucked. 

He turned away from Jace and looked out over the city. The immeasurably huge, impossibly infinite city. Alec had lived here his whole life, and would never dream to fully comprehend this city. Every street corner, every building, every person made the city their own in private, little ways that could never be added up and quantified. There were some things in life that you could never truly fit inside your head in their entirety, no matter how long you studied or how hard you tried. New York City was one of those things. Jace was not. Alec knew Jace better than he knew himself. He trusted Jace better than he trusted himself. 

“I- um.” 

He cleared his throat.

“I’m sorry.” 

This seemed like a good place to start. He was sorry. So sorry, all the time. Sorry that he wasn’t stronger than this thing inside his chest that twisted, hard, when Jace smiled. Sorry that Jace was stuck with him. Sorry that he would never get better, no matter what he did. Sorry that he wasn’t nearly as sorry as he ought to be, not really.

“I can’t- I don’t- it’s not- it’s just-“

“Hey, hey. It’s ok. Slow down. Breathe.”

Jace was smiling at him. Gently. Kindly. Like Alec wasn’t about to change everything, forever. Like Alec wasn’t holding an earth-shattering secret over both of their heads like the blade of a guillotine.

“Tell me what’s wrong.” Jace said.

It wasn’t an order. It was a rescue. It was a hand stretched out to a drowning man just as he lost hope. 

“Ok. I’m- ok. I need to tell you something. And you have to promise not to freak out.”

No, that was asking too much.

“No, just- just promise you won’t tell anyone else. You can freak out. You’re probably going to freak out. Just- just don’t push me off this ledge, ok?”

The words came out in a rush. Alec didn’t really expect Jace to freak out. He wouldn’t be doing this if he did. But he wanted Jace to know how desperate he was, and that however much Jace wished this wasn’t true, Alec wished it a thousand times more. He wanted Jace to understand that he knew this was a burden, and he wished he didn’t have to impose it on Jace, but he just couldn’t carry the weight of it alone anymore. It was killing him.

Jace looked concerned now, his eyebrows almost touching. He turned to face Alec completely, shoulders and knees and all. 

“Ok.” he said.

“No, you have to promise.”

“I promise.”

“Ok.” said Alec. He took a deep breath. Okay. 

“I’m-“

He didn’t know what word to use. He’d never heard a Shadowhunter use the mundanes’ word for it. He’d heard all kinds of terms for it from vampires and Seelies, but never anything but heavy, loaded silence and complicated innuendos from his own goddamn people.

He couldn’t bring himself to say it. To break the gag rule they’d set in stone by their example.

“I don’t like girls.” He said instead. “Not like you do. Not like everyone does. I don’t want to date a girl. Ever. No matter who it is.”

Jace blinked. Alec held his breath. Panic was rising inside of him. Panic and shame. Overwhelming, blinding, nauseating shame.

Then Jace’s face relaxed. His eyebrows fell back apart and he smiled. 

“Alec, are you trying to tell me that you’re gay?”

Alec nodded. The panic was abating, but the shame remained. He wanted to cry. Or throw up. Or jump to his death. Or all three.

Jace leaned back against the wall and chuckled easily.

“Dude,” he said. “Don’t scare me like that. I thought you were like, dying, or something. I don’t care that you’re gay.”

He said it like it was ridiculous to have ever been afraid. To have ever been suffocated by all the unmet expectations, or woken up by the nightmares of rejection and mockery. Like it was the easiest and most obvious thing in the world.

Alec was shaking, trying desperately to get a hold of himself. He thought it’d be easier on this side of forever. But all the pressure that had built up in his lungs over the past few years was trying to escape his newly liberated airway and Alec felt like he was falling apart at the seams. 

Jace caught sight of Alec’s face and let his laughter die out on his lips. 

“Hey. Hey! It’s ok. This isn’t a big deal.”

He reached out and put his arm around Alec’s shoulders, pulling him close. 

“It’s alright.” He said soothingly. All Alec could do was nod. 

It took about half an hour for Alec’s breathing to return to normal. Jace didn’t move his arm. When he realized that this wasn’t about him anymore, he lapsed into silence, content to hold Alec up until he could stand on his own again.

When Alec could speak again, he didn’t know what to say. He sat up and looked at Jace. Jace cracked a smile at him.

“You still want to become parabatai, right?” Jace asked. “This isn’t some long-winded way of you telling me that you’re leaving me for a hot guy?”

Alec let out a choked laugh and punched Jace in the arm half-heartedly. Jace’s eyes twinkled and his smile grew wider.

“C’mon.” He said. “It’s getting cold. Let’s go inside.”

Jace climbed to his feet and held out a hand to help Alec up. Alec took it. He would always take Jace’s hand, come hell or high water. He trusted Jace better then he trusted himself.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic I’ve ever written, and it is long overdue. It’s kind of an idealized retelling of my own coming out. Please comment if you liked it!


End file.
